We’re back to the blogging crisis again. I did actually write a book review the other week, but even that I don’t feel like posting.
I think the truth is I’m a little bit scared of writing. It seems strange that my blog, once a safe haven, my little corner of the internet where I could be myself, now feels alienated from me. I have changed the names of most of my social media accounts, deleted pictures and information about myself, all because of this thing that happened a couple of years ago.
It’s one person in particular that is still haunting me. They were one of the only IRL people that new about and read my blog. I’m quite sure that they won’t be able to find my blog under the new URL, as I’ve been googling and checking old links to make sure nothing traces back to that old persona, but there is still a doubt that they could find this, and that my secrets could be in the hands of someone I don’t trust.
I want to talk about how they have affected me, what they have done to me, but I am scared. I am scared of them finding this, of them contacting me online. God forbid in person. Whenever I drive into town I think about what I would do if I saw them. Probably scream or cry. I don’t know why I keep writing “they” and “them”. It should be “he” and “him”.
I don’t want to keep thinking about him, because he had a bad enough impact on my life when he was actually in it. It’s been over a year, almost two, since he was a part of my life. But I still think about him almost everyday, not out of missing him, but out of regret and guilt and shame, and fear. That’s the scary part. How much damage he caused and I didn’t even realise it till now, years later.
This was way oversharing. I am on the waiting list for therapy but quite frankly I need help now because I am not coping with all the thoughts in my head at the moment. I keep having to remind myself that I am having a self harm free year this year, but that means all my other negative coping methods have well and truly taken over. More on that another time.