What have I been getting up to?

Before we dive into the serious life stuff, I’ve been keeping up lots of different creative projects, like my photography blog, my YouTube channel, and general crafting. I’ve also been volunteering with retired greyhounds once a week (I have a new dog best friend as a result), I completed a diploma in Zoology, and I’m keeping up my German practise.

The reason I have so much free time to do all these things? I don’t have a job. Still. I went to an induction day for a part time retail job the other week, but they wouldn’t tell me what my hours were going to be, and since then I haven’t heard anything from them. And because I thought I had the job, I quit my zero hour contract job, so now I really have nothing. Part of me feels like I should have just gone back to my old job when I got back from China, as I would have been far better off financially, even if it would have negatively affected my mental health. Anyway, I hope that made sense, it’s a bit of a complicated situation.

I think I may have mentioned previously that my anxiety has been a lot worse recently, feels like I’m goings back to the good old days of not wanting to go outside, or interact with anyone in general. I am on the waiting list for therapy, but that’s not of much use until I get a place.

I feel as though therapy would be particularly helpful at this time, as I have been applying for university. I’ve actually got a place at UEA studying languages. I’ve been teaching myself German for a few months, and I like it, but I would be majoring in Japanese. I’ve also found an OU course that looks quite interesting, with lots of flexibility t study different subjects, but of course that would mean staying at home.

The problem is I can’t decide. I really don’t know what I’m interested in, of if there’s one subject that I want to pursue over all the others. I have been battling my lack of sense of self for a while, and most of the time it doesn’t affect me that much, apart from feeling a bit disjointed, but when it comes to stuff like this, I really just don’t know. And that’s such a dissatisfying answer, but I don’t.

So, maybe the OU course would be better, as I could pick my modules year to year, based on what I fancied. It would also remove the risk of reliving the infamous 2014 breakdown. The really disheartening thing is that applying to a proper university is the first thing my family have really supported me in for years. When I mentioned the OU, they were happy, but with UEA, it seemed like I was finally making the choices they wanted. They hardly blinked when I completed my Zoology diploma last month, and when I got the job (the one that has since dissolved into nothing) no one seemed to care, even though I was excited.

I know that a crappy retail job is not going to be the path to my future, but it’s better than being unemployed. And I know that I shouldn’t care what other people think so much, and not let their expectations dictate my decisions. But it is hard to shake, especially when you live with them, and they are allowing you to live with them.



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