The next chapter in my adventure “I though I was getting better but now I think I’m getting worse.”
So, I got into UEA, and I have accepted the offer even though I’m not sure whether I want to go, cue my family cheering “yay! Jess is actually doing what we want her to do!”
The problem is now money. I am working a part time, “living” wage job, and I don’t think I can do more than that in my current mental state. If I don’t go to university, I don’t see how I will ever be able to move out.
If I do go to university, I get a loan. However, this loan is only enough to cover my accommodation, if I get the accommodation I want. The basic single room is just within my budget, any fancier than that I cannot afford. I could afford the cheaper accommodation, but those are shared rooms, and given my history with living in halls and general poor mental state, I really don’t think I can share. I’m not just saying that because I don’t want to, I’m saying it because I believe it would negatively impact my mental health.
So, providing I get the accommodation I want, I’m left with a couple of hundred pounds for living costs. I really don’t think I can work while at university (again, not that I don’t want to, mentally I know this won’t be possible).
I have been considering applying for DSA because of my mental health problems. I think I would qualify, given the problems I have been having recently with employment and the fact that I have put university on hold for 3 years because of my mental health. The problem is that I am too anxious to ask for help with my anxiety, which is the worst sort of irony.
I went to the doctors this morning for a pill check, and as usual, my blood pressure was sky high because I was so anxious, especially because I was working up the courage to ask for evidence for my DSA application. I ended up not asking, and I’m really annoyed with myself, because now I will have to phone up again, something else that I hate doing.
I wish they could just take my word for it. I am scared of having to justify my condition to get help. I don’t talk to my doctor as much as I probably should about my mental health, so I don’t even know if she knows how much I am struggling. I am worried that maybe because I went to China, that they will think I’m exaggerating, or making it up, because if I was that bad, how could I have travelled and done all that?
I am also STILL waiting for therapy. I think I would feel more comfortable asking a therapist who I had a closer relationship with for help than my GP.
I wish I didn’t have to do this. But I don’t see how my life is going to progress if I don’t go to university, and it is going to be very difficult if I don’t have any extra support.