I sat down this week to write a blog post, and I realised that I didn’t want to. And when I realised that, it begged the question: why am I doing this?
I originally started this blog to share my experiences in the hope that it might help other people. Over time, I have branched out and written about all sorts of different issues and interests, and this blog has become more of a reflection of my personality than a place to vent.
Now, I am really struggling with how personal I want this blog to be. Every time I post something, I think, would I want my family or friends to see this? And sometimes, if the answer is no, I don’t publish it. I have even deleted a lot of my past posts for that reason, and I’ve stopped writing posts when I am caught up in strong emotions, such as sadness or panic or stress.
However, I have talked to some really lovely people as a result of sharing personal stories, and to think I might not have talked to them, and might not interact with more people like them in the future if I don’t over share, is sad. But the thing is, my mental health is taking up less and less of my life. I am doing so well with my depression at the moment, my anhedonia is basically gone and I feel like an actual well rounded person now. Anxiety is still a massive problem, and being out in public/talking to people is a huge struggle for me. But I worry that if I keep writing about it, and focusing on it, it will keep taking up space in my life and in my head. I would rather talk about the things that I am achieving and doing rather than the things I am not. Or maybe I just feel a bit fake, like I shouldn’t be doing so well in my recovery when others are still struggling. Maybe I’m afraid to be feeing better.
It’s also important to be able to have a space to be authentically you. I’m trying to reconcile with whether for me that means it’s okay to have a place on the internet to share my deepest secrets and feelings. By not sharing the dark things, am I representing myself authentically? Maybe it would be better for me to keep some things private, now that I have the tools to deal with my issues, journal in my own time and use the blog as a form of positive self expression and exploration.
I’m also wrestling with social media in general. I think a lot of the time it can be really negative and put pressure on people. But I realise that I have just written about not wanting to share the bad parts of my life, which is something that social media gets a lot of criticism for. You only see the good days, but that doesn’t mean that every day is a good day. Additionally, why do I want to share my life? Why do I want to post things on instagram, or blog about my holiday? What is the driving force behind that?
I also worry that writing so much for my blog is taking away my writing energy for creative projects. I have had an idea for a story for over a year now, and I haven’t done anything with it. Maybe if I wasn’t forcing myself to write short blog posts every week I could work on it. I also have a load of other projects on the internet, between YouTube, my birding blog and my Etsy shop.
So should I stop writing regularly? Keep this blog as a place to share travels/adventures and photography, or wait for inspiration to strike, or should I keep plugging away at it until the inspiration comes back?
That was a big ramble, a lot of questions and a lot of mixed feelings. At the root of this there is a larger issue. There are things that I want to write about that I am finding to difficult to publish. That’s why I am struggling to find my voice, because my voice is defined largely by the things you don’t know about me. Or do I need the courage not to care and just have this blog for me?